What I’m about to say might ruffle some feathers and get under people’s skin, but it’s also personal. Every year we hear about turning October pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month. I’m not against this in any way. However, October is also Domestic Violence Awareness month (DVAM). It sucks that both Breast Cancer Awareness month and Domestic Violence Awareness month are during the month of October. I mean why not make Domestic Violence Awareness month August or even February? In any case, as a survivor of domestic violence, acknowledging Domestic Violence Awareness month is personal for me.

Growing up I was always told, if a man (guy) hits you, you leave. My stepdad drilled that into the heads of my sisters and me as teenagers when we started dating. As a teenager and a young woman, I declared that if a guy ever hit me I’d leave. What I’ve learned is that it’s very easy to make these declarations, especially when the physical aspect is the only aspect many people associate with domestic violence. The physical aspect is the scariest, and most recognizable aspect. This is because physical abuse leaves proof; it leaves bruises, scars, blood. However, domestic violence is a layered issue. It isn’t all about screaming and hitting. It’s often sneaky and starts off subtle. And before you know it, you’re asking yourself: how the fuck did I end up here? I know, I lived this.

Most violent relationships do not start out violent. Domestic abuse can start off sneaky. In fact, nine out of ten times it just gradually happens. For me, it started with small slights, backhanded comments and compliments, and gaslighting. These tactics were used to make me doubt myself, my sanity and my reality. Then came the isolation – or at least his attempt at it – and his need to be in control. He’d often use the threat of physical violence when I didn’t comply with his demands. This went on for several years, and at one point I was ready to leave, and in fact was getting ready to leave. Then I found out I was pregnant. 

From there it just got worse. For 10 years I endured the mental, sexual, emotional, financial, and yes, physical abuse of a scary and toxic relationship. Of course, being in this situation was stressful, it was also a rollercoaster ride of emotions. There wasn’t just fear, there was anxiety, anger, moments of joy and love, and a lot of frustration. It was difficult to manage my personal relationships and maintain a calm, “everything is fine” persona while at work and in public. It was a tightrope act of epic proportions, and it got exhausting. When I finally made the decision to leave it got scarier. Remember I never thought I’d be in this situation to begin with and now getting out of it wasn’t going to be easy.

The thought of leaving my now ex-husband was terrifying. His behavior was unpredictable and disorienting. And it was getting worse and more unsafe as our son approached middle school age. This only added to the laundry list of reasons I needed to leave. I knew that I needed to get my son and I out of the situation safely. I was also aware that leaving wasn’t going to be easy. According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 75% of domestic-abuse related homicides occur after the victim has left or is in the process of leaving. Knowing this information and also knowing I couldn’t stay in the situation, made leaving safely both necessary and complex. It wasn’t as simple as just leaving. I was in the process of creating a plan to leave. I was working and coordinating with friends, and coworkers to get  my son and I out safely and to a place where my husband at the time couldn’t find us. Well, either the plan was not safe enough or I was not implementing it fast enough, because God had to step in.

In the early morning hours on April 10, 2018, my now ex-husband came home from a long night out doing whatever it was he was doing (drugs, alcohol, etc.), woke my son and I up and proceeded to rant about what a horrible person I was, what a horrible mother I was and threatened to kill me. He said that, with our son sitting right next to me. My son tried to run and call the police but was unable to because his father had made it difficult to leave the room we were in – we were trapped. We were forced to listen to him rant for at least 3 hours, and then I had to go to work, and my son had to go to school on no sleep. At 8:30am on April 10^th my now ex-husband called me at work and threatened to take our son out of school and possibly never come home. When I hung up from that conversation, I grabbed my purse, walked up to two of my coworkers and said I’ll be back, left the office and drove to the courthouse and filed for a restraining order. I was granted a Refrain From or “Anti-harassment” order that only covered me. According to the judge, there wasn’t sufficient evidence that my son needed to be protected as well. That same day I started researching divorce attorneys and then two days later walked into the office of Kate Ryan. Thanks to Kate’s familiarity and understanding of domestic abuse cases, and my very simple goals – I just wanted to be divorced and to have full custody of my son – she guided me through one of the fastest divorces in 2018 for the state of New York. My divorce paperwork was officially filed on October 2, 2018, and my divorce decree was signed on December 18, 2018, and filed with the courts on January 2, 2019. It was the best Christmas present ever!

I share my story because it was a humbling experience. I no longer look at the question, “why don’t you just leave?” the same. I know how complicated the answer to that question can be. If you find yourself trying to help a friend or loved one to leave a dangerous and abusive relationship, don’t ask this question. Instead ask, “is there anything I can do to help?” or “what do you need from me?” These are far more compassionate than, “why don’t you just leave”? If you find yourself in an abusive relationship and need to leave, there are resources available to you. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a great first start and you can look into organizations in your area for in person and safety assistance.